The Buddy System

I’ve never been much of a drug taker, but drinking is another story. I love the devil’s elixir. Turns Slish into a fearless, unlawful warrior. My early adult years a small bottle of Jack Daniels was all the fuel I needed for whatever debauchery I had planned for the evening. The one alcoholic  beverage I did stay away from was Jamaican White Rum. That shit will give you amnesia and jail time. I’ve witnessed that unholy water bring negroes to their knees!    

Back in the mid 90’s The Crew and I used to hang out at this club called Tiptons. We had outgrown our welcome in most of our Bronx hang outs. When you walk into a spot and the women point at you and give each other the ME TOO glance its usually time to change your environment.

Tiptons was located in Stamford Connecticut. The women that frequented that spot had GOOD JOBS and loooooooved guys from New York. Saturday night was the Main event. We usually needed  3-4 cars just to get everyone up there.  

I get fresh to death and make my way over to Fondu’s house  since it was my turn to drive us to paradise. I park in his driveway and blow the horn. Fondu comes outside” Yo. Turn the car off and come inside.” I take a sip from my Jack Daniels bottle, turn the radio down and remove the keys from the ignition.  I walk into the house and see that this Dingle-berry is still in his boxers wearing a wife beater. ” Asshole its fucking 9:30 by the time you get dressed it’ll be 10 it takes 1/2 hour to get up there!” Fondu looks me up and down ” So” I open his fridge and take out a Heineken ” We won’t be able to get in! “  Fondu  “ AightAightAight”  He leaves the kitchen and comes back 10 minutes later fully dressed. ” Cool. Can we leave now”  Fondu goes into the dining room and comes back with a bottle of Jamaican White Rum. This bottle looked like it had been buried in the middle of the desert! It had rust stains on the cap and everything!” What you gonna do with that!” Fondummy ” What you think!” I grab the bottle from his hand ” Yo! The alcohol in this bottle looks like antiseptic laced with a liiiiitle bit of Bacteria. Don’t do it bruh. ” Fondu ” Fuuuuck You. This is some good shit!  He goes into his fridge and takes out a carton of milk. ” This is how big man fi drink dem white rum”   I laugh “ Big men know when not to drink straight up GASOLINE! I’ll be in the car. “ 

30 minutes later we’re pulling into Tipton’s parking lot. Fondu ” BUUUUUUUUUURP” I stop the car ” What the fuck was that!”  Fondu holding his stomach ” Keep driving I had some curry goat before I left. I’m just a little gassy” I put the car in first gear ” Gassy.That sounded like your stomach had an eruption! Fondu gives me one of his fake laughs and waves me off. 

We walk into the Ramada Inn where the club was located.  The line to get in was crazy and the women had on their game faces. I Just KNEW my new love slave was waiting  to meet her Prince of Wet Sheets.  “Yo Slish” I look and see my boy Phantom at the front of the line.  Fondu and I push our way through and skipped err body. 

After a few ”WTF” and “I know these N@ggas didn’t just cut in front of me” Fondu and I are ready to get our Mingle on. The Ladies were looking tasty and my boys and I were hungry. Fondu ” Yooo. I gotta take a piss. Where’s the bathroom? I roll my eyes ” You know where the bathroom is!” Fondu’s speech starts to slur just a little ” Cmon man you know I don’t remember that shit”  I think to myself” I knew I should have slapped that glass of poison out his hand. He’s gonna be an asshole the Entire Night!”  Anyway I needed to take a piss my damn self  ” Let’s go “

We’re side by side at the urinals and Fondu starts talking all kinds of incoherent pimp speak. I don’t look over at him cause ya know Men have a rule about things like that. He’s  talking I’m listening and laughing at the same time. ” So I told that Hoe to get ta Steppin cause my girl was coming to see me in LIK”  Then SILENCE! I didn’t turn to look cause like I said before men have a rule about shit like that. ” So what she do when you told her that! ” Fondu doesn’ t respond instead I hear a loud ” POIIIINNG”  I break the rules and turn to my right. SHIT SHIT SHIT! Fondu had gotten dizzy, lost his footing and hit his head on The Urinal.  His face was in his own PISS!  ” Fondu! Fondu! FONDUUUU! “  I get on the floor and slap his face a couple of times. He wasn’t responding, but he was still breathing. I pull him out of the lime colored water, grab a paper towel, wipe his face clean and sat him up against the bathroom wall.  I look over at the bouncer standing by the door ” I’ll be right back “ 

The crew was standing right outside. I jog over to them ” Fondu just passed out in the bathroom. We gotta Leave and get him to a hospital or something!” Scavenger looks at me like I’m crazy ” I’m not leaving this muthafucka. You see the Bitches in here!” I look over at Phantom and the rest of The Crew. They all nod their heads in agreement with Scavenger. I should have been angry but I wasn’t I expected them to say that ”  Fuck all ya’ll. I’ll get him out my DAMN self!  Scavenger I hope you get a number from a TRANSVESTITE!

I walk back over to the bathroom, pick Fondu up off of the floor, and throw him over my right shoulder. Good Lawd! This negro was heavier than I thought! I couldn’t leave through the club because it was too crowded. I had to carry him upstairs through the Hotel lobby. Once I got there my back gave out and I dropped his ass. Security walks over to me” Sir you can’t just leave him here”I remove my hands from my knees, wipe my forehead, take a few deep breaths and start contemplating my next move. I look around  and see an empty Luggage cart.  I walk over , snatch it, place him on it, and start  pushing Fondu’s limp body through the Hotel.  When I got to the exit another security guard tells me I can’t take the cart past that point. AAAAW HELLL!!!!! I bend down, pick Fondu up, and proceed to the parking garage. As I’m walking out Fondu wakes up ” Wha What’s going on ”  and THROWS UP all over my back! All I could hear was the crowd standing outside ” EEEEW!” He quickly slips back into his coma after releasing the poison he drank earlier.

The next morning I walk into the guestroom and wake Fondu up.  He jumps up Ready to fight because he had no idea where he was or what had happend the night before.  ” Where am I” I respond ” My house”  Fondu ” We had a good time?”  I chuckle a little ” We had a ball “  Fondu ” How many numbers I get”  I shake my head and respond

” Too many to the count “

Knotting Hill

I’ve always wondered what it would be like to date a celebrity. How would I approach one of these starlets? What if I saw Nia Long sitting by herself drinking a hot beverage in a downtown village cafe.  Would I be starstruck, fumble my words,  or would I do THIS!

Nia Long ” Oh my! Are you okay?” Mr.Slish ” I’m fine. That’s what I get for multitasking. I should have put the phone away before attempting to take a sip of my hot chocolate” She hands him some napkins. ” Hot Chocolate ? No White Mocha Latte or Caramel Swirl with whip cream? ” He wipes the groin area of his slacks. ” The day I order one of those is the day I get cable.”  Nia looks at him a kinda strange. “You mind if I put my things down on your table.”   Nia responds ” No problem”  she repositions some items and makes room for Mr.Slish.   

He sits down ” So whats the name of my good Samaritan.”  She looks around and notices onlookers pointing in her direction and whispering” She turns to face him,  smiles, raises her right eyebrow and responds” Nia ” He calls the waitress over to their table. ” Nia? That name sounds so familiar. What’s your last name?” She leans in a little closer and whispers ” Long”  Mr.Slish leans in a little closer and says ” Why are you whispering “  Nia leans back into her chair and gives Mr.Slish a ” Cmon now SON you really don’t know who I am” expression.  

Realising Mr. Slish is still oblivious she decides to play along ” May I ask the gentleman with no cable what his name is?”  He motions for her to lean in closer and whispers ” Slish” Nia shows that signature smile ” You’re a wise ass.What’s your last name.” He responds ” Slash “  Nia ” So you really don’t watch cable? Slish ” Nope”  Nia” What about movies.You do go to the movies right”  Slish ” Last movie I saw  (scratching his head) was Boyz In The Hood “  She spits out her coffee ” Negro are you kidding me! You really don’t know who I am! “  Mr Slish gives her a devilish grin “ I was wondering how long it would take you to go Hollywood on me ”  She laughs ” You knew the whole time” Slish smiles”  So why you play me out like that?” Slish takes a sip of his Hot Chocolate ” I read that article in Essence that featured You, Sanaa and Gabriel. If I had approached you like a knew who you were. Would you have let me sit down?”  She nods her head in agreement ” Probably not. Would have thought you had an agenda ”  Mr Slish ” Exaaaaactly. So I took  the scenic route instead ” Nia lightly claps her hands together “ I’m impressed ”  Mr.Slish ” Don’t be. I didn’t think it would work. Nia responds ” Who says it did “  Mr Slish smiles, looks around the Coffee shop, places both his hands on the table and leans in.  

“ I wouldn’t be sitting here now would I  ” 

The Way We Were

It’s been a year and a half since I broke up with my ex girlfriend Barneys.  I sometimes read the stories from my old blog and reminisce. There is no doubt in my mind that I loved that woman, but sometimes a deeper love will pull you in another direction.

When Shawnla moved to France to be with her French man. I was more than heart broken I was angry and bitter. My self esteem took a major blow because of it. Her actions made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone. I say that because before she moved I told her I loved her and wanted a chance to prove it, but her heart belonged to that light skinned linguistic. She sent me an email about 2 weeks after she got there ” Hi I moved to France. Hope you’re doing well” I wanted to throw my computer screen through the fucking wall! She didn’t have the decency to say good bye. Later on she would tell me it was because she knew I would have talked her out of going.

So with my heart kicked in I started looking for the future Mrs. Slish. I met a few GOOD women in the process, but for some reason I couldn’t  connect with any of them. Ya know what. I’m not gonna lie. Yo boy Slish was striking OOUUUT!  I would hear comments like” I don’t feel any chemistry”  ” You’re not really my type “  “ Uum what you mean you can’t get it to work”  I never had problems like this before. Then it hit me! Shawnla had taken my MOJO!

Anyway Shawnla ended up coming back in less than a month. The Frenchman wasn’t quite ready for a built in family. He was too young.  He had passion which is what drew Shawnla to him in the first place, but no consistency. He made promises he couldn’t keep. When Shawnla got restless he didn’t have the hammer or the nails to keep her right where she was. Instead he let her go.  A more seasoned individual would have put his foot down and told Shawnla to SIT HER ASS DOOOOWN!!!!  

Shawnla contacted me about 3 weeks after she got back. Guess she needed to feel something familiar.  All it did was bring back those old feelings I had. I needed and wanted to be with her all over again, but Shawnla wasn’t over the Frenchman. Actually she was under the impression he would move to the United States and be with her.  When she revealed this information to me I went ballistic ” Frenchman is not the man for you as a matter of fact no man is the man  for you! I’m the only one that can handle you and your eccentricities.  The Frenchman is a boy! You need a MAN! “  Shawnla didn’t take to kindly to that and hung up on me. We didn’t speak for months.

It was during that time I met Barneys. At first I don’t think she liked me, but I had gotten my MOJO back since I pretty much knew there was NO WAY Shawnla and I would ever be together.  So with the Slasher putting in overtime I won her over and a beautiful romance blossomed. I was the perfect boyfriend. All the love and affection I had stored up inside for Shawnla was being sprinkled all over Barneys.  

Then we had our first fight right before Valentines day. On my way home I felt like I needed someone to talk to so I called Shawnla. By that time we had started talking to one another again.  She told me to come over so I did.   There I am sitting on her bed which I had no business doing ” Whats wrong Slish ” I respond ” Everything” I start telling her about what Barneys and I were arguing about then 20 minutes later I’m pulling up my boxers. 

I broke up with Barneys right after that. Figured I didn’t deserve to be with her if I couldn’t keep my dick in my pants. So I used the situation that caused a rift between us to keep us apart when the reality was that I wanted a chance to finally be with Shawnla. Boy was I sadly mistaken because Shawnla kicked my dick to the curb AGAIN!   

My pride wouldn’t let me go back to Barneys so I went on a Flesh Fest and became a beast.  I took no prisoners. Harlem Nights, Agent 99,  Ms. Claxy and Lily White were all in my rotation.  This lasted for about two months then I came to my senses and decided to win Barneys back.  She gave me a real hard time because she knew I was fucking. So I mentioned Shawnla letting her assume it only happened while we were apart, but I know deep down she knew the truth.

Barneys and I seemed closer after our separation. Like nothing could pull us apart. Then Shawnla called and pulled a MYA and DARNELL(episode from girlfriends). She told me I was right and that there was no other man for her but me. It took EVERYTHING in my BEING not to go and be with her, but fear caused me to stay with Barneys.  With her I was sure to be loved. With her I felt safe.  

Winter of 06 Barneys and I are at a crossroad in our relationship. Somehow our spirits were not connecting. It was like someone had stolen our MOJO. We didn’t feel the same about one another anymore, but were too afraid to admit it.  One day she sends me an email. It was one of those games you play on the net. Object of the email was for me to pick three crushes in no specific order. I put Barneys name first, my first love Casey second, and Shawnla last. I click the finish button and WHAM! “Your answers have just been sent back to the person who sent you this email. SHIT SHIT SHIT!  Ten minutes later my cell phone goes off. I pick up and Barneys is on the other end ” Wooooow” Apparently the names had been switched around causing Shawnla’s name to show up first.  ” I always knew you still had feelings for that chick.”  I’m feeling so violated because that was one dirty ass trick. Instead of apologizing I became indignant ” That’s what you get! Never ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to! What you did was fucked up!”  Barneys raises her voice” I’m fucked up! The man who claims he loves me really loves someone else! Why settle for me when you could be with HER!”  I respond ” You know what you might be right about that!” 

Later on that night I found myself sitting in a titty bar with my boy Corporate drowning my sorrows with shots of Hennessy. I notice a stripper standing at the bar entrance. She had a Killah body as a matter of fact her body reminded me of Shawnla’s. I quickly signaled the bartender,  paid my tab, and dropped Corporate off at his condo ” Where you headed now ” I rub my itching nose ” Going to see if I still have a chance” Corporate laughs ” You going to see your lady ” I respond ” Yeah something like that “

I jump on the freeway and call Shawnla. She picks up” Heeeey. How have you been”  I respond “I’ve been better”  She must have been reading my mind because her next statement was” Why don’t you come by”   an hour later we’re on the bathroom floor and I’m wiping happy tears from Shawnla’s eyes. ” I I didn’t think you would ever come back to me. I know I hurt you before, but I promise this time things will be different. I love you so much. Please give me a chance to show you “I looked into those tearful eyes and saw the truth. 

I realised on the drive home from Shawnla’s apt that  Barneys was right I was settling and that email she sent was her way of telling me that I was lying to myself.  She actually did me a favor. That was probably the most loving gesture a woman has ever shown me.

For that I am forever in her debt. 

The Puppet Master

I love when women I’ve been involved with talk about their so called ” Male Friends”.  Unlike most men I don’t flip out or get jealous.  I’ve accepted the possibility that those male friends have either fucked them, tried to fuck them, or will be fucking them as soon as I am out of the picture. No need to ” gasp”  Its the American Way. Most Heterosexual men can and will eventually have sex with a female friend.

So when my lady is telling me a story about one of her so called  male friends I automatically assume he’s tapped that ass or at least given it the old college try. If you don’t believe me fellas ask your lady ” How many of your male friends tried to whistle at your clit better yet how many actually placed it between their lips” I guarantee you she will be silent for at least 5 minutes because her brain will be sanitizing her response.  Which will be ” I never looked at him that way ” Translation he tried, it was wack, and she placed his ass in the friend category!

I for one have been a repeat offender when it comes to this.  It usually involves alcohol and bruised egos. Before I know it.  Their legs are spread so wide that I could tickle the bottom of their feet. Then I wake up in the morning with drool on the side of my face and her soft cheek bones resting comfortably on my nappy chest hairs.  ”DAMN DAMN DAMN !” is what I’m thinking because if I had known the PUSSY was gonna be  that GOOD! I would have never given her the key to my past!  In other words she knows too much for the relationship to ever work so I pretend like it never happened, but then 3 weeks later I have her bent over the edge of her bed whispering in her ear ” Betcha you didn’t know it was like this” 

2 months later your good friend has become your Break The Glass in case of emergency. Which could be beneficial  if the both of you understand the situation for what it is and don’t develop any expectations, but of-course that never happens because one of you has secretly wanted the other one for quite some time. 

This is how this story usually ends. He or she will start to date someone new. One of you will get SALTY because  ” The why not me ” virus will infiltrate your brain cells causing you to  put the full court press on the other person which ends in you losing the game anyway because the odds were never in your favor.

I’m here to say that I am sorry to you ALL. I wasn’t a good friend to any of you.  A good friend would have been able to put their wants aside and help guide you to where you needed to be. Instead I just took what you willingly offered for granted making it easier for you to shut out the next individual with good intentions, but most of all I’m grateful  because like a thief in the night I visited every single one of you and NOT ONCE did you ever Snitch.    

How Can I be Down/Season Finale

Kirk Franklin  is resonating from Margaritaville’s powerful speakers. The crowd is getting more restless. I push my way through the angry party goers and put my arm around DJ Rum Punch ” Listen here rude bwoy. I didn’t tell you this before but back in NYC I’m a Party Promoter ” Rum Punch nervously looks around the club  ” Ah wha dat”  I pat him on the back ” I throw parties like this in NY”   Rum Punch looks around the club once more “ How dat ah guh help mi right now!”  I smile and point over at Busch ” See that dude standing over there. He plays at all my events. Rum Punch looks over at him ” Im Good” I respond “ One of the best NYC has to offer.”   Rum punch walks over to one of his boys and whispers something in his ear. He looks over at me and nods his head in approval. Rum Punch jogs back over ” Go get yuh bwoy RIGHT NOW! “

As I’m walking back over to DJ Busch Bowie stops me dead in my tracks ” Yo the music in here is WACK! Btw what are you up to?”  I grab an extra beer from his hand ” I’m gonna save this party! “ Two minutes later Busch and I pass Jermaine Dupri as we’re walking out the club. 

20 minutes later Busch and I return with the necessary tools to fix this situation. 3 crates that included HIP HOP classics  and 1995-1997’s most popular party bangers. When we got  back inside Margaritaville the music had somehow been upgraded to new shit. Busch and I get a little nervous because we both wanted him to shine. So we look up at the DJ booth to see whats going on. AWW HEEEELL NO!  Jermaine Dupri had taken over the wheels of steel and had the crowd under his spell !   This cannot be happening! I put one of the crates down and signal DJ Rum Punch to bring his ass down from the DJ booth. ” I thought we had a deal “  Rum Punch looks at me a little confused ” Who seh meh bruk the deal we mek.Yuh bwoy ah still play”  I pick up the crate ” So why is that midget in the booth ” Rum Punch ” Yuh worry too much bredren. Im just step in until yuh come back wid your DJ”  

Busch starts laughing ” C mon Slish help me get up to that Booth. We start pushing through the crowd. The speakers are blasting Jermaine Dupri produced tracks. Margaritaville is Jam packed! As I inch my way towards the dj booth. This honey brown vixen with shortly cropped sandy brown curls assumes I’m trying to dance with her because Danger accidentally brushes up against her daisy dukes. Lawd Haveth Mercy she was BANGIN!  I pass my crate to DJ Rum Punch and ease back into position. Ms Vixen wasn’t shy. She reaches behind and grabs my waist. Pulling me in so close that my face was nuzzled between her neck and cheek.  Two gyrations and a thigh rub later ”SLISH SLISH! ”  I lift my head up and see Busch signaling for me to get my ass over to the DJ booth because Dupri’s security guards stopped him from going in. I whisper in my dance partner’s ear. ” Stay right here. I’ll be right back.”  I push through the crowd and Da Brat is blocking my path. ” Excuse me”  She doesn’t move. I step to the right and move past her. Bitch sticks her foot and trips me!  I stumble then turn around to express my dissatisfaction. SLAM! Right into her bodyguards chest!  I rub the pain away and slowly back away from a beat down. 

Busch and I maneuver our way into the DJ booth as Jermaine Dupri exits. He pulls out two records, places them on each turntable, puts on the headphones and rubs his finger tips together. ” DoomDoom DoooomDoooom DoomDoom DoooomDoooom I CAN FEEL IT!” The crowd roars in anticipation!  Base line drops!  ” Its 187 on an undercover cooooop. Yeah and you don’t stoooop.”  Hands were in the air, lighters were being flicked on and off as weed smoke engulfed the entire room. 

I make my way over to my little slice of heaven ” You waited for me”  She smiles and pulls me closer to her ” Why. You surprised”  I put  my hands on her waist ” Nah but ya know. Normally when you ask a sista to wait she generally disappears into the crowd. Anyway what’s your name “  she looks over at her girlfriend  who’s pointing in the direction of the bar then focuses her attention back on me ” Finesse “  I stop dancing ” Get the fuck outta here!”  She grabs my hand and guides me to the back of the club where her girls were sitting. It so happened that  Bowie, Wildchild and Sports Fan were sitting at the table across from them trying to get their attention. Finesse and I sit down. She introduces me to her girls. Wildchild’s eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets. 

I spent the rest of the night trying to negotiate a what happens here stays here contract. Finesse rip that shit to shreds and came up with one of her own” What are doing tomorrow” I take a sip of my rum punch ” Ummm cumming to see you ”  Her girls get up to leave the club. Finesse kisses me on the cheek. ” I’m at the Holiday Inn. I’ll be on the beach aaaaaaalllll day.”  She gently rubs my chest as she walks away. 

End of the night. DJ Rum Punch comes over and thanks me for keeping his reputation intact. ” If yuh can mash up a party here imagine wha yuh do ah Foreign!”  I give him a pound and exit the club with the fellas.  Now mind you I’m extremely inebriated and kinda feeling myself after saving the party. It didn’t hurt that I  bagged one of the baddest chicks in the spot either. This Taxi driver is standing outside ” Bredren yuh need a taxi “ Slasher stumbles off of the curb and gives him the meanest expression” Ah wha yuh a beg! Mi nuh need nuh Rass TAXI!  MOOOOVE! “  Mr Taxi ” Oooooh! Feisty yuh feisty. Wait right here mi soon come back.” 30 seconds later Bowie yells ” SLISH Ruuuuuuun!  He has MACHETE !  

This is usually the part where the television screen fades to black 

Guess ya’ll gotta wait till next season…lol

How Can I Be Down

I’m not going Bowie”  Bowie shouts back ” C MON!!! Why you gotta be that way.You never leave NYC ! You need a vacation. Why would you pass up 4 Days in Jamaica! “  I finish counting the cash at my teller station and move the phone to my left ear ” I don’t have money for that plane ticket! “  Bowie ” Is that all you’re worried about! I’ll front you the money until we get back!  I laugh ” You really want me to go don’t you! “  Bowie ” Hell Yeah! There’s a major Hip Hop conference goin on and you know Good & Plenty is the organizer’s right hand man. So we’ll get into every event for FREE!. Plus access to groupie chicks!” 

2 weeks later fall of 1997 I kissed my girlfriend Butterscotch good bye,  Hopped on Air Jamaica and asked the stewardess to bring me a Red Stripe beer for every hour we were in the air. By the time the plane landed I had changed my name from Slish to SLISHY BANTON.  When I walked off that plane the Jamaican heat slapped me across the face. I stumbled back at first. Had to grab onto the railing to keep from falling down. 

I finally get to customs ” Do you have the address to where you’re  staying sir”  I put my suitcase down “ Ummm No. My cousin is picking me up. He never gave me an address”  He looks through my paperwork ” Sorry I can’t let you through without an address ” I wipe the sweat from underneath my right eye. No way this bloodclot bwoy is going to stop me from entering Paradise ” I’m staying at the Holiday INN in Montego Bay”  Agent stamps my paperwork ” Alright yuh can go through “  Dumb ass I should have said I was going to his momma’s house to replace his daddy.

Bowie meets me outside the airport in some beat up Toyota. ” Yo I’m hungry ” Bowie ” Why you didn’t eat on the plane? “  I roll down the passenger side window “ My benefactor got me seats in the coach section! They only serve snacks! “  Bowie laughs, makes a u turn and grants my request. 

Now when Bowie sold me on the Idea of going to Jamaica I was under the impression we would be staying in a hotel. As usual he short changes me. His aunt owned a house In Montego bay. Me , Bowie, Wildchild & Sports Fan would be staying there for our entire trip. This was the very reason why I stopped going to Jamaica with family. Staying at someones house was a sure fire way to sweat to death and get attacked by blood sucking parasites. ” Bowie if I had known what you were up to I would have stayed in NY”  Bowie slaps a Mosquito on his right arm” It won’t be that bad”  He walks me over to my room “Eh Rude bwoy there’s only one bed in here! ” Bowie ” So.”  I drop my suitcase on the floor “ Where is Wildchild gonna sleep?” Bowie snickers ” With you!”  Wildchild comes running into the bedroom and slaps me on the back ” What’s up roomie!” He notices a Huuuuuuge cockroach crawling on the floor. It stops, looks up at Wildchild and gives him the OG nod. ” Oooooh shiiiit! ” Wildchild JUMPS on the bed, takes of his shoe and throws it at that  eight legged gangsta! Direct hit! The roach stops, pushes Wildchild’s sneaker to the side, and gives him the finger!  Bowie and I looked at each other and broke out into hysterics.

Friday morning Bowie tells us to get dressed. He had a full proof plan. Since his dad owned a travel agency and he was an agent. Bowie told the resort managers we worked for the  agency and wanted to tour their Hotel so we could recommend it to potential customers. They bought into it and treated us Like Royalty. 

During the visit we ran into the Dj of Margarita Ville. He was bragging about the Hip Hop party they were having that night. I ask ” You Play hip hop?” Dj ” No sah. A Pure reggae mi play, but mi hear some dj from foreign ah pass tru. Im name Red Alert”  Bowie’s eyes light up ” RED ALERT! Let’s go ya’ll ! We gotta go home and get dressed for this shit!” 

We get to Margaritaville about 10 pm and the line was OFF THE CHAIN! Half nekked women just aching to be felt up!  ” Yo Slish! ” I look around nervously because no one else knows I’m here and Good & Plenty was still at his hotel. I turn to my left ” Yooooooo! What’s up Busch!” Busch was the Dj I used for all my events in NYC.  I forgot Good & Plenty had hired him to spin . ” What you doin here! ” Busch gives me a pound ” Same thing as you! ” He turns and looks at the ladies sashaying their way into to night club.

Margaritaville was packed! Getting a drink was almost impossible! We had to order 4 to 5 beers at a time so we didn’t have to go back to the bar.  DJ Rum Punch from the resort raises his right hand in solidarity as we walk by the DJ booth.  The crowd was primarily Hip Hop heads. They started to get restless when all they kept hearing was ” ZIM ZIMA Who got the keys to mi Beema “  Dj Rum Punch notices their contempt, smiles as if  he knows what they want to hear and throws on Will Smith’s Men In Black. The crowd turns to the stage ” Yo take that shit off”  You ain’t got no Dr Dre!”  Dj Rum Punch goes into a panic and puts on Kirk Franklin! Wildchild and I head to the dj booth and signal Rum Punch to come down ” Bredren dem a guh lynch you if keep playing this!”  Rum Punch “  Ah wha mi tell yuh at the resort ah pure rockers mi play”  I say ” What happened to Red Alert! Rum Punch looks at his watch ” Don’t tink him ah come again.”  If Rum Punch doesn’t find a Hip Hop Dj quick. Margaritaville was gonna turn into a warzone.

I see my boy Busch sipping on a Heineken politrickin” I walk over to him ” Yo. Where’s your Hotel?” He looks at me kinda strange ” Up the street. Why? “  I point in the direction of the DJ Booth ” They need help up there. You wanna spin”  Busch rubs his chin ” How much they Paying ” I laugh and say” Nothing, but Jermaine Dupri and Da Brat just walked in with a few other hip hop celebrities. I’m sure if you rock this party. It will definitely help build your rep. He rubs his chin some more.

“Aight Slish do what you do”   

Does DJ Rum Punch put his ego aside and let Dj Busch rock the party. Or does DJ Busch say fuck it I ain’t playing for free!

Saaaaame Slish time Saaaaame Slish channel.        

Dry Nuts

“I’m a playa Mr. Calhoun” those were the words coming out of my mouth a few years back while talking to this older cat. He laughs, repositions himself in his chair and responds ” Slish you are many things but a Playa you are not .” I felt insulted. What did this old gangsta know about me!  ” Let me explain something to you young blood. A Playa doesn’t respect or cherish women. A Playa is selfish, self centered and could care less about the fragile heart of a female. I watch you. I see how you interact with these ladies. You my brotha are a Playboy.  “HUH????”   “That’s right Slish a Playboy. You enjoy the company of beautiful women. You don’t care if you get the draws to DROP. You’re content being in their presence.”  

I was dumbfounded cause the Old Fart was right! I never cared whether a woman wrapped her legs around my back or not. I just loved being around them. If a potential screamer slipped through my grasp. I still kept her in the fold. A little insight into the female psyche never hurt this Playboy. Till this day I have more female friends than I do male. They come to me for advice and before I had a girlfriend routine maintenance. 

Watching these Young Bucks run around chasing after any and every ass cheek glued to a pair of skinny jeans makes me laugh. Their mantra is Quantity. They think having 5 women in rotation is the thing to do. That shit is a headache and you get LESS PUSSY! Do the math.You have 5 women all demanding your full attention. Some you like more than others so naturally you’ll spend more than just one night with them. The rest of the week you’re spending it on the phone. Trying to get with the rest of them. Which is damn near impossible cause they all want you at the same time. The end of the week comes. You’re Love Muscle has only been rinsed twice! While the dude with 1 BAAAAD ASS chick has been getting his nuts Blown, Waxed, and Polished every night!   Stop scratching your heads boys. You know its true!

Oh and I love the brothas that brag about how many women they’ve slept with. The higher the number the more I chuckle cause my next question to them is ” How many of those were one night stands” The answer that comes back is almost always 85 %. Which means to me your BEDROOM skills are questionable cause those chicks NEVER THOUGHT TO GIVE YO WACK ASS A  SECOND CHANCE!  

I swear these Flashy, Materialistic, No Pussy eating SLACKERS need to go back into training and learn proper dating etiquette. No more taking a chick to the movies on a first date. No more asking her what she wants to do once you’ve picked her up.  No more ” Come over to my apt I got cable, scarface and snacks” speeches. Be creative put some thought into courting a woman!  There was a time when they never had to carry more than just cab money on a date. Now they’re taking their whole PAY CHECK?   

My brothas Quantity is not Quality. Stop complaining about ” Trick Ass Bitches”  when you’re the ones tricking them. No wonder these young girls have that ” Get whatcha can” mentality 

They’ve adapted to that bullshit HUSTLE you call dating!

No Country For Good Girls

Yesterday I recieved an email from a fellow blogger MIKKI asking to give her recent blog post the energy it so well deserved ” I know your infamous for making words jump off a page and bring em to life and well what happen to me yesterday seems like it could use some.” http://idkmynameismikki.wordpress.com/2008/02/09/this-blog-needs-a-title/ I read her story and decided to rub my hands together and make Like a GEICO commercial.

“Good girls never ask a man out” is something every woman has heard at least once in her lifetime, but no one told our asses men would stop asking! So what’s a girl to do. Chill at home with a plethora of electronic toys as stand ins. Not ya Girl ! I’ll be damned if  I turn my pleasure palace into a what coulda been. Time for me to take matters into my own hands.  Time for me to finally have a ” How mommy met daddy” story to tell my future chitlins.

I ride into town a lil after 5ish figured I would spend time with my mother and let her bombard  me with the “When are you finally gonna get yourself a man” questions.  So I prolong the inevitable and stop by my rental property to pick up my mail. Looking at all those bills made my tummy scream ” FEED ME”  My favorite eatery Panera’s was on the way so I walked to my car, opened the door, threw the mail on the passenger side and drove off.  

10 minutes later I’m sitting in Panera’s reading the latest story about the Mayor’s Sex Scandal. Which is steadily causing me to lose hope in my future happiness. Then my body starts to tingle. That could only mean one thing. Fresh meat has walked into the building or I must really need to go to bathroom.   I slowly turn my head towards Panera’s entrance. “Good laaaaaawd!” I look around to see if anyone else has seen my vision. No one seems to notice so I pinch myself  just to make sure I’m not imagining a tall, Hershey bar figurine walking in.

He had on some dark blue jeans and an over-sized coat. The glasses and the laptop tucked underneath his arm indicated to me” Nucca can read and he gotta good job! “ Hershey bar  places his order, surveys the area and proceeded to head to the back of the store for a table.  I hear my inner voice say “ GO GET HIM!”  I respond ” You are not about to embarrass me up in here! Besides I’m not dressed right. Inner voice responds ” What you mean ?  You have on a nice pair of tightly fitted jeans, gym shoes and sport  coat  that ooozes athleticism ” I respond ” Okay but what about my hair.” Inner voice ‘ What about it! You’re in Panera’s not a night club! No man would expect your hair to be perfect  besides it  shows character. “  Me ” Character?” Inner voice ” I swear if you don’t make a move! The next ARAB that walks through that door will be your love slave!” 

DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!! How am I gonna  manage to go back there, talk to this guy without  looking like a stalker! Fuck it ! I muster up some nerve, go where I’ve never gone before and find a table right across from his, I know he might of thought I was stalkin at this point but I didn’t care. I’m The Juggernaut !

An hour an half goes by and Hershey bar hasn’t taken the bait.  I’m already annoyed and the constant chattering of the teenage girls sitting behind me is not helping.  A couple minutes later they leave, but I still had no idea what I would say to this guy.  Then a vision of  PUNJAB with a leather strap tied around his neck Flashes across my mind!  I quickly pull out my a sticky note pad and put pen to paper ” I came all the way back here to speak to you and this was as far as I got……. Hi ” As I started writing my cell number down I realised it had just died” SHIT!!! Think Sista Think!!! Inner voice ” Give him your girlfriends number you’re stopping by her crib anyway”  I follow my inner voice’s advice and a minute later “Excuse me this is for you”  I handed him the note and rushed my ass out like the place was on fire!!!

I get to my car, open the door and sit down ” Whew!” Why are  my legs shaking like I’m going through withdrawal! Is this what men subject themselves to everytime they approach a female!   After I wooosahed myself a couple of times I calmed down. Then I balled up my fist, placed it in an uppercut position, and quickly pulled it towards my rib cage ” YEEEEESS”  I felt so liberated! At that very moment I didn’t care if  Hershey bar called me or not. I had taken control and would continue to do so from now on. 

I turn the car on and put it in drive. Half an hour later I’m knocking on my homegirl’s door she opens it ” Ummmm Who’s Ed? ” My body started tingling all over again ”  You’re fucking kidding me this shit really works!”   I called  Hershey Bar back! That’s when that tingling sensation turned into that gut punch feeling. Dude was married! I guess through all that excitement I failed to check for the ball and chain ornament.  B Bu But WHY HE CALL ME IF HE WAS MARRIED! Then reality kicks me right in my left butt cheek ” Mikki.  This whole how mommy met daddy. Is gonna be harder than you thought “

Mass Appeal

“I don’t care what people think about me.”  is a statement I hear quite often. ” If you spend your entire life worrying about what people think. You’ll drive yourself crazy. ” is usually what follows. If you let me tell it.  I think those statements are Cop Outs and excuses for not being accountable for the negative image you and others around you project.  

I’ll give you an example. Lets say a young lady has a nice body and knows it. Whether she’s going to work or the grocery store her dress code is always Video Vixen. Now to judgemental eyes she’s considered a Hoochie, Gold Digger, or High maintenance.  When the reality is she’s actually a sweet girl with an extraordinary mind. No one will ever know that because we live in a society where outward appearance dictates how you’re treated.  It’s sad but true.

I for one care  how an individual perceives me. So I’ve conditioned myself to project a straight forward, no nonsense, take action  kind of persona to the masses. Probably the reason why I’m the go to person amongst my peers. The downside. It’s caused yo boy Slish to become a control freak!  If someone asks for my help. Instead of providing whats asked of me The Slasher will take over and run his own show!  My boys are accustomed to it. The women in my life past and present. Drives them Bananas!

Anyway I’m digressing. I wish black folk would stop hiding behind that ” I don’t care what people think about me” Mask.  Or the ” I’m keeping it real. ” Hoodie.  Our images are FUCKED UP! I’m tired of that Hateration mentality. Be accountable Dammit!  Show your kids that they too can become a Hilary or an Obama. Don’t repeat the cycle your fucked up family started. Do something better in order to Be something better.  

Where is all this coming from? I’ll tell you. Daily conversations I have with individuals from different walks of  life. After a while you get tired of hearing the same old stories over and over again. Mother was on drugs, father nonexistent, siblings with 1 or more children before they turn 21 all living under one roof. I try not to judge, but its hard especially when you hear dumb shit that could have been avoided.  

Common sense ain’t so common in the Hood. Why have a third baby when you can’t take care of the two you got. If your neighborhood perpetuates violence and one of your children has already succumbed to it. Why not move to a safer environment instead of watching the rest follow in their Hoodsteps. Put the street lit novels doooown!  Read a book about a 9 year old Boy forced to be a soldier in his own country murdering innocent people under the guise of revolution!  Read  how he managed to survive, come to this country and take advantage of what it had to offer by becoming a scholar and an author.  

Turn your tragedy into TRIUMPH. Stop taking the easy way out by using that tired ass phrase ” I don’t care WHAT people THINK about me”  Cause I’m here to say those very people care enough to keep you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!   

Rules Of Engagement

By the time I reached my early twenties I had pretty much figured women out. I hadn’t developed into that “Grab every chick and Holla” type of guy. My method of attraction was to observe, evaluate, and subdue. I trained myself to recognize personalities that meshed with my own therefore decreasing my chances of failure. Now this passive aggressive way of getting with the opposite sex somehow caused my boys to underestimate my ball handling skills. They would take 15 shots at a basket and  just get one in. I on the other hand would take 3 and get them all in.

1990 the place to meet single women wasn’t always at the club. Inner city college parties had all kinds of chocolate flavors to pick from. One Friday night Hunter College was open for business. I picked up my boy Mums and headed to the city to meet our other partner in crime O’ North. He had the hook up to get us in without Hunter College ID.  On the way down Mums is going on and on about his romantic verbal skills ” Ya see Slish! You gotta make em laugh. Get a chick to do that and the draws just come tumbling down.” I laugh while nodding my head to the music.” I’ve witnessed that. Seems to me all you do is joke your way out of the pussy. Mums you can’t play with these chicks. They will put you in a category.” Mums  ” What category you talking about? ” I respond ” The clown category. Why can’t you just tell a Shorty Rock you find her attractive and ask her out. She either gonna say yes or no. Instead you want to prolong the inevitable. Women know right away if a dude is going to be able to pull their panties to the side. Why waste your time politrickin when they already know the answer ” Mums gets quiet and starts to ponder what I’m saying ” Get The fuck outta here with that psycho babble!”  

20 minutes later O’ North has done his job and Mums and I are in the middle of a School Daze dance seen.  Luscious booties were everywhere! Latin, Black, White whatever the flavor it was there.  Mums and I pop open the 40 ounces we snuck in and started taking inventory of the candy shop.  After that gasoline kicked me in the ass I was too damn  tipsy to observe, evaluate, or subdue. So I laid in the cut watching Mums play Court Jester to half the females wearing tight jeans and short skirts. 

Around 2 am I returned from the bathroom to find that Mums had stumbled onto TWO nubian playmates. He was sitting between them spittin hard. I’m not gonna lie the jokes had their attention.  I stick a piece of gum in my mouth and stroll on over to get a closer look.  I immediately knew which one he was trying to get with. Honey brown complexion,  full juicy lips and melons that beckoned  ” Caress Me Pleeeeeease”  Mums gives me a lame introduction  in an attempt to mark his territory. I lean down and whisper in his ear “ Kill the jokes and let your intentions be known. You’ve been sitting  here for almost a half hour and not a pen has  left your pocket ” Mums gives me the screwface ” Shut the fuck up. I got this!” 

Now this was about a year before my Slasher persona revealed himself to me before then he was just a voice. ” Sliiiish. Teach Mums a lesson. Show him your Dragon Style is better than his Laughing Hyena” 

I walk over to Ms. Juicy Melons and stick my hand out like Billy Dee Williams in Lady Sings The Blues.  Juicy looks up, smiles, takes my hand, and we glide on over to the dance floor.  Juicy “ Where you from? ” I smile while doing my drunken 2 step ” The Bronx “  Juicy ” Woooord. Me too “  I look over and notice Mums mean muggin me. I nod my head in his direction, turn back around and focus all my attention on Juicy. ” What are doing tomorrow night? ” Juicy looks at me kinda strange ” Going to the movies with my girls.” I hear the voice in my head say ” No you’re not. You going to the movies with me.” Before I could stop myself the words had already passed through my lips.  Juicy smiles ” Confidence.  I like that! You gotta pen? ” I look over at Mums, nod my head in his direction as I pulled a pen out of my pocket and wrote Juicy’s number down.

About an hour later we’re on our way home. I’m driving and all of a sudden I feel this sharp pain! OOOOW!  Then I feel it again!  OOOOW!  ” Stop punching me dude! “  Mums ” That was fucked up what you did! I was soooo close to getting her number! Then you come over and cut my nuts! ” I respond “ Ni$$A if you had made your intentions known instead of playing footsie I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did!  OOOOOOW! Stop punching me or else I’m gonna hit a tree !  Mums ” Its okay cause yo wack ass won’t hit the skins!”   I respond

“Thats right I won’t hit the skins. I’ m gonna hit Juicy’s inner wall muscles. Hahahaha!  OOOOOW!!!

DUDE! STOP HITTING ME!!!!